I will be honest here since the only people that read this are probably family members, but it is still hard to describe the emotional state of Garrett Facer at this time. When I first got home from my mission, I dated a girl for 3 months, and I went all in and didn't receive the same in return. The problem with going all in though is that you get blinded by what you want and lose site of what is best for you. To make a long story short, I moved to Utah, tried to keep the relationship going, but ultimately we ended the relationship and I left wounded and skeptical and distrusting. I didn't trust my own feelings, and I was skeptical of girls intentions.
Fast forward to my courtship with Katie, and here I am in a relationship where I need to decide if I am going to trust myself, and another person enough to go all-in in a relationship again. I had just admitted stronger feelings towards Katie by kissing her, and I felt like that was good enough. I was content with leaving it at that. I didn't want to go any faster.
A few days after I kissed Katie for the first time she was going to go home for the weekend to visit her parents. I was strangely worried about the chance that she would meet up with her former boyfriend while there, so before she left I made a side question in the effect of, "if your mom asks if were dating, do you want to say yes?" Katie said yes of course and that was that. I also didn't want to just leave it at that, so the day she left I decided to show Katie that I could dance, and taught her how to dance before she left.
It worked because in our texts that weekend I could tell she was thinking about me, happy to be visiting family, but really wanting to be with me. I solidified the whole thing by watching a movie with her when she first got home late Sunday night. I don't think I meant for this to happen at the time, but I realize now that I was doing everything in my power to get Katie to go all-in with me yet I wanted to protect myself. I was setting her up for the same failure that I had just endured less than a year previous.
Apparently everyone in my family saw it though. That is one thing I like about my family, there is no messing around, and we will call each other out on our bologna. I am sure that Hansen and my parents were already forming their opinions, but when Seth met Katie for the first time is when my family realized that I was expecting so much from Katie yet wanting to sit on the sideline. I don't know what he saw, but one day Hansen, Angie, Katie and I went up to Salt Lake and had dinner and watched a Jazz game with Seth, and he talked with Mom and Dad afterwards about how I seam to be holding back.
Katie said in her story that I said I loved her this same night, but I think it was just a few days later because I got a call from Dad shortly after and he questioned my intentions with Katie. He said that from his experience with meeting Katie on Face Time, and from what Seth said, that I was not really committed to Katie and that she was all-in. He told me that I was going to cause the same damage to her that I experienced if I didn't decide to either go all-in or end the relationship. Of course I denied any fault because I tend to be a little pridefull but it really got me thinking. I thought about it after that, and I determined that I wasn't making such an effort because I liked relationships, but because I really loved Katie. I was experiencing unique feelings, I really cared for Katie, but I was afraid of laying my head out on the chopping block. I was essentially keeping my foot in the doorway for a quick and harmless (to myself) escape. I decided to act on my love for Katie and, although it took a little more time, jump in.
We were in the basement just finishing up a movie or playing or whatever it was we were doing when I could feel the tension building up between us. Katie had hinted in a couple ways that she wanted to say that she loved me, but was waiting for me to say it. I don't know what did it, but I finally got the courage and told her that I had a secrete to tell her. I teased her into asking me a couple times to tell her, when I finally said, "I love you, I love you, very very much" (in a Donald Duck voice). She said that she loved me too, but wanted to know if I meant it or was just saying it because I new she wanted me to say it. It was then that I looked at her at just said what I was feeling. I told her I loved her, but that I had been hurt, and needed time to grow the deeper love that she wanted from me.
That's all folks
